Is Google stupid, or is humanity? Gawker recently posted the results from typing “why is…” into the Google search bar. They were disheartening to say the least (the top ten most commonly searched phrases results include “why is my poop green,” “why is lil wayne going to Jail,” and “why is the world going to end in 2012”).Some quick answers: Your poop is green because of a change in your diet, probably involving leafy greens or more iron; Lil Wayne went to jail for gun possession--he’ll be out in 8 months; the world is not ending. If there were a search bar for relationships, I believe (probably stupidly) that the following would be the most common queries—followed by my friends' and my very unscientific (and probably even more stupid) answers:
1. Why is he not calling me back?
He doesn’t like you enough. He’s just not that into you. He’s busy. However you want to phrase it. There’s meaning in that absence. Move along. Next! Why are you waiting by the phone anyway? He should be waiting for you.
2. Why is he treating me differently in front of his friends?
He’s insecure. He’s worried that you will only like him if he’s one way, and his friends will only like him if he’s another.
3. Why is he not “returning the favor”
He’s selfish. Or imcompetent. Either way, he needs to get told. Show him what’s up.
4. Why is he not saying “I love you” (back)?
It’s a big deal; he’s either scared or he doesn’t feel that way. Why do you need to hear it so badly? Maybe your relationship isn’t there yet? For some people that means “this is how I feel about you always”, not just at the particular moment it’s said. Maybe he just wants to make sure.
5. Why is he always playing video games?
Video games are super fun. You get to be a soldier, a hero, a knight or a really cool plumber, all in one day. They relieve stress and are purposely completely mindless. Figure out what an acceptable amount of video game time is, and then let him have it.
6. Why is he affectionate one moment, distant the next?
We’re complicated creatures, with complex feelings. We’re not Reggie from Archie comics, or Joey fromFriends. Feelings take time to straighten out, especially at the beginning.
7. Why is it so important to him that I’m thin?
It’s not. We love curves. We love a real ass, muscles, arms and stamina.
8. Why isn’t he into cuddling after sex?
We’re wired differently than you. After we finish, we’re spent. Your hormones and bloodflow are still going nuts and you want all those feelings of physical intimacy that are, at this point, gone with our expended fluids.
9. Why is it so important to him that I be his “Girlfriend”?
Just like you, some of us need to know where we stand, and just like you, sometimes we can’t stand the idea of sharing. Some of us can’t handle the idea of something “casual.”
10. Why is he into porn—am I not enough?
Has nothing to do with you. Nothing. It’s like asking why we like eating at restaurants—is your cooking not good enough? Sometimes we just want to sample different food cooked by a pro. We don’t want to live at the restaurant. We’re not looking to become a busboy; we just want to try the food.
What’s number 1 on your list of relationship queries? What do you think your guy’s would be?
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