Are you lugging around a ton of baggage from a past relationship (or several past relationships?). You're not alone -- my most popular articles are about breaking up and getting back together. It can be such a struggle to move on after a relationship ends -- even when we know the relationship is unhealthy or bad for us.These five ways to heal heartache are based on my readers' questions and comments about ending a relationship...
But first, here's one of my favorite quips:
“Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.” ~ Anonymous.
Ending a relationship hurts, even when you know you’re no good together. But just because it hurts to break up, doesn’t mean you’re supposed to stay together! A broken relationship may leave shards of glass behind…and you may need to walk away. Letting go of someone you love is hard, but it may be the best thing you could ever do.
To let go and heal...
To let go and heal...
1. Own your actions – you can take control: “I have been trying to get over my first love,” says S.S., who can't let go of her ex. “But every time I decide to do that I end up contacting him or he tries to contact me.” To move on, sometimes you need to cut off all forms of contact. I know how hard it is, but taking control, finding your inner strength, and not responding when he contacts you or you want to contact him is one of the best ways to overcome a breakup. You need to take ownership over your life.
2. Listen to what he says, but believe what he does: “It has been over a year and half since he broke up with me but he still tells me he loves me every time we talk,” says S.S. “I want him to come back to me completely but he says he can’t do that.” If your ex-boyfriend says he can’t get back together with you, believe him. He may say he loves you -- and he may truly love you -- but if he really wanted to be with you, he would be with you. If he says he isn’t love with you anymore , you need to focus on other – better – parts of your life. You must accept what he says and move on. Yes, I know it’s difficult….but the sooner you pull yourself together and overcome the breakup, the happier you’ll be.
3. Stop focusing on your problems, and what you can’t do: Maybe you can’t talk to your friends about the breakup, can’t contact a counselor for professional help, and can’t understand why you can’t to heal your heartache and move on. Well, what CAN you do? What steps can you take towards your goals in life? Your first step is to figure out what your short and long-term goals are. Where do you want to be in one month, three months, six months, and a year? Write those down. Then, underneath each goal (for instance, “feel happier and more confident about my future”), write three ways to accomplish that goal (eg, “spend time with people who are positive and optimistic”, or “start a volunteer job that makes me feel good about who and where I am”). Stop focusing on the “I can’t” and “I wish” parts of life. Instead, move forward towards the things you can achieve!
4. Stay connected to who you are – your authentic self: Many women are confused about how they should act with their ex – especially if the breakup isn’t final. Here’s what Kathleen says: “How do I turn things around and be a fun girl to hang out with again? I’m confused and anxious about approaching any oncoming situation, even things as small as our next phone call, and who should initiate it!” To overcome obsessive thoughts about your ex, you need to stay in touch with your healthiest, happiest, most fulfilled self. This means grounding yourself in what you love to do, connecting with friends and family who know you best, writing your true thoughts and feelings in a journal. It also means not catering to fears, insecurities, or negative feelings.
5. Keep your long-term life goals in mind: Step back from your emotions and feelings and yearnings for a moment. Answer these questions logically and rationally – write your answers in a journal or diary: Is your boyfriend the healthiest choice for you? Are his life goals in line with your long-term life goals? Is he emotionally, physically, and spiritually available to you? Does he want to work on your relationship? Does he bring out the best in you, and make you feel secure, loved, smart, and independent? Think about your relationship with a cool head and calm mind…let yourself feel all those uncontrollable emotions and yearnings, but don’t get swept away in a tidal wave of hopeless love and devotion.
What do you think -- how do you dump your relationship baggage?
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