8 Mistakes Women Make During Sex

Sex can be stressful, right? Sometimes, yeah. But it doesn't have to be and shouldn't be. When it comes to sex and women, we are our own frenemy.

We sabotage our own orgasms. Not his. Our own. Though sometimes his pleasure does fall victim. And somehow this makes us feel worse. What is wrong with us?

There are eight mistakes we make when making love, eight things we can stop doing to start having more fun in bed. Or in the car. Or in the hotel. And they all have one thing in common.

And that's worry.

1. We worry that we look fat. You didn't drag your man to bed without him ever seeing you, right? So if you have a few extra pounds, he already knows that. And it's probably because you keep talking about those pounds since most guys don't obsess about that stuff as much as we do. When you're in the moment, he doesn't care about your thigh jiggling, and you shouldn't either.

2.  We worry our boobs are too small, too big, floppy, or not enough like those Victoria's Secret models. It's simple: Guys love boobs. All boobs.

3. We worry if our vagina feels tight enough, wet enough, or as good as other women he's slept with. You know how some people like pizza A LOT? And they will eat pizza from anywhere because pizza is pizza and pizza is good? Even cold. Even the slices left over and still on the counter from two nights ago. Same thing goes for vaginas.

4. We worry about that pimple on our chin ... or on our butt. Everything we see is magnified by 50 percent. Everything he sees is minimized by 90 percent. He's too busy loving your perky boobs and juicy thighs to see a teeny-tiny blemish.

5. We worry about how we smell, down there. I've met men who have actually said they enjoyed the sometimes musky odour that our lady canal sometimes gives off. If things are a little funky below deck and it's bothering you, then just keep his mouth on your mouth.

6. We worry we are going to queef. You know how sometimes we say if something had a better word for it, it would be less offensive. Like cockroach? If it was called a rainbow-pretty-butterfly bug, we wouldn't be so freaked out by it. Well that's not true for the cute word queef. No one wants to lay a lady fart. But I'll speak up and say I've done it, my husband and I giggle when it happens, and we continue with our jiggy. Never hold in a queef. You will not orgasm. And you will still queef, only it will be louder and happen when he pulls out.

7. We worry about how we are moving or if we are doing the right thing to make him feel good. Our minds are warped by porn. Porn isn't real sex -- well, bad porn isn't and that's about 95 percent of porn. Let your bodies move together, however it feels good. Chances are if you are having a good time and let yourself get wrapped up in the moment, he will love every second.

8. We worry that if he loses his erection, it's all our fault and we are terrible lovers. Here's a bulletin for you: Guys sometimes go limp and it has nothing to do with you or any of the seven points above. Guys worry about things, too. They worry about if they look fat, if their penis is too small, if they smell okay, if they have a dingleberry, if they can make you come, and if they are going to come too fast. All of which can cause limpus interruptus. Don't kill the mood by asking questions. Be sexy, go down on him, start masturbating -- and most likely he'll be ready to go again in no time.

Remember, thinking about anything but pleasure isn't going to help you let go and have some kinky fun. And being too worried about things won't get you to reach orgasm. So stop worrying!

How many of these eight worries are you guilty of?

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Do you need this sex pill?

In her leopard-print shirt and plumped-up ottoman pout, soap star Lisa Rinna tells CBS news, "I lost my sex drive." It seems we now have our own female Bob Dole.

If you've never heard of hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), check out a site called Sex Brain Body, where Rinna is featured. You'll learn that while the cause of low libido is unknown, the brain's neurotransmitters are thought to play a role. You have to read the fine print to make out the astroturfing ("with the support of sponsorship from Boehringer Ingelheim Pharmaceuticals.")  What's interesting is how this sex- brain-body campaign (also check out the Discovery Channel's series on female sexual dysfunction) is being rolled out before the star is born. That would be the HSDD drug Boehringer Ingelhiem has developed for young women—it works on the brain—which will go before the FDA on June 18th for approval.

I wouldn't have known anything about it, had I not gone to a screening of Orgasm Inc., a documentary about another drug company trying to come up with the next female Viagra. Several people from Boehringer Ingelheim were there to check out the climate. Let's just say, it was testy.

"I think the Boehringer Ingelheim campaign is unethical," says Karen Hicks, PhD, a spokesperson for The New View Campaign, which is trying to block the drug's approval. "Even though they don't mention the drug on the site, and the quality of the information they have about  HSDD—if you believe in it—is quite good, this is totally premature."

Should this sex drug pass? I don't have the answer, but I know we should be asking the questions:
So what is this drug?  Flibanserin—or Girosa, the likely brand name—was originally tested as an antidepressant (it didn't work) and targets serotonin receptors. When I asked Boehringer Ingelheim how it affects libido, they responded via email through Ogilvy PR, "It is hypothesized that neurotransmitters within the brain are affected in women suffering from HSDD. While the specific mechanism of action is still being studied, flibanserin is believed to act on these neurotransmitters." That's a lot of hypothetical for a drug you have to take every single day.
Does it work?  According to the company's studies (read a report here), premenopausal women with HSDD who took flibanserin, reported increased desire and sexual function. Further—and the part the FDA will likely focus on—the 450 subjects who took the drug, had more "sexually satisfying events" during the 24-week study period than the 521 women on a placebo. The difference was an increase of  2.1 verses 0.9—in other words, a little over 1 more "sexually satisfying event" during the 6 months. "I don't think that's enough of an improvement to fix the disparity between a woman's libido and her man's," says Susan Bennett, MD, assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School, where she teaches a class on women's sexuality. "Targeting the central nervous system for the treatment of sexual dysfunction is a really good idea. But even if this drug is safe, I don't think it will be a big seller." 
Is HDDS even a disease? Many experts, including Bennett, are dubious. What is "normal" desire for women? Wanting to get it on every day? Once a week. Twice a year?  "For the vast majority," Bennett says, "low desire is just a normal part of their existence. The reasons are myriad—work, kids, lousy relationships, and a natural tendency not to have the libidinous drive men do."
Liz Canner, who made Orgasm Inc., believes the whole thing has been pushed on us by the drug industry.(The film is great—I highly recommend watching it—alone or with the girls.) Canner's journey started when she was hired by Vivus, a biopharmaceutical company, to make erotic videos so they could test an orgasm cream they were developing for women with "female sexual dysfunction" (which includes HSDD.) They let her film while she was there. At one point in the movie, she asks the company's founder, Virgil Place, MD:

"Is there anything organically wrong with these women you can locate that  [the cream] will address?"  From behind his desk, he thinks a minute, then looks into the camera: "I can't answer that question."

Darby Stephens, the manager of clinical research, awkwardly explains  the company's interest in  female sexual dysfunction this way: "We had concepts in development, but somehow it got picked up that we had drugs. The market went wild. We didn't even know what the disease was."

(When I contacted Vivus's CFO, Timothy Morris, he responded, "Liz Canner's documentary was filmed nine years ago and is out of date. Over the past few years,the compay has discontinued the development of products for female sexual health." Vivus's current focus, he says, is new obesity drugs.)

"I didn't go in trying to frame anyone," Canner tells me recently. "I liked the people I worked with. It wasn't until later when I looked at the footage that I started realizing they were in the business of developing a disease in order to sell the drug—and putting women's health at risk for their own profits."
Is it safe?  So far, Boehringer Ingelheim, hasn't found reason to suspect otherwise. The side effects, which include daytime sleepiness, insomnia, nausea, and anxiety, appear mild to moderate, and fade in a couple of weeks. But a six-month trial is not very long, and we only have company studies to go by. New View is extremely concerned. "There isn't enough safety information and we just don't know enough about the  effect of serotonin on the brain," says Hicks. "Without having good evidence of all the effects that flibanserin will have, it's a complete crap shoot."
Do we need a sex pill?   I certainly hope that any woman who is distressed about her sex life gets help. But even if this drug turns out to be safe and effective, I'm concerned about the idea of libido pills playing into a culture that is already hyper-sexualized, raising our expectations about how much we should want sex and get off on it. To our endless list of things we fail to live up to—beautiful, thin, smart, busty, cellulite-free—now we're going to add "always hot to trot"? Bennett would rather see an Rx for knowledge. "I'm not anti-pharma, and I believe in better living through chemistry," she says.  "But I think there's a tremendous misunderstanding in society about women's sexuality.  Just because you don't have an orgasm, doesn't mean you aren't enjoying sex. Men and women are very different. And their libidos are very different. And I don't think all of that can be fixed even if they develop the perfect drug."  

What do you think? Should flibanserin be approved June 18th?

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7 Things You Should Never Do at a Bachelorette Party

No matter where you're headed for a bachelorette party this summer—Vegas, Miami, the local martini bar—BRIDES magazine offers seven tips all girls should tuck in their bag along with the lip gloss. Friends should never let friends:

1. Permit strange men to nibble their candy necklace.

2. Be required to walk down the street deep-throating a hot dog.

3. Ask guys to autograph their T-shirt.

4. Sleep with strangers on weekend getaways.

5. Get so drunk that they embarrass themselves in front of a future sister-in-law.

6. Pose naked for a photo, no matter how "artistic."

7. Do anything with a blow-up doll—male, female, or anything in-between.

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Balancing Act: Soul Mate or Life Partner?

Until recently I always felt being practical was my strongest asset. Nowadays, it feels like it is equal parts gift and curse. Being responsible assured that I dodged a lot of the bullets that "statistically cripple" many people in our community. I stayed focused in school. I turned my nose up at the lure of flashy hustlers who preyed on young women in my urban community. I repressed the temptation to experiment with drugs or alcohol. My goal was simple: I wanted to be a happily married career woman and mother.

Today I've accomplished all of the things I wanted and most women, especially Black, would consider me to be lucky. I have my own business doing something that I am passionate about, beautiful children and a great husband. There's only one problem: I'm not happy. I feel blessed. I feel successful. I definitely feel envied. Contentment? Not so much.

I adore my children and I'm passionate about my career, so you can guess where my issue lies: my marriage. I love my husband. Kevin* is a good man. He's loyal, successful and has a tremendous sense of duty when it comes to family and community. I accepted his marriage proposal because I knew we loved each other, could depend on each other and would build together. We have. The problem is that my equation for what makes a sustainable marriage left out one important variable: chemistry. Kevin and I are compatible. We share the same life goals, have similar world views and are both generally good people. We listen to each other. We trust each other financially and emotionally. But we don't have any spark. Truthfully, we never have.

I know romantic love goes through various phases and I'm not idealistic enough to believe every day in a marriage should read like a scene from a romantic comedy -- but some should, right? Despite the great elements of our marriage every day I crave and wonder about what I don't have. What would it be like to share my world with a mate with similar interests in pastimes? What would life be like with a man who made my heart sing when he walked into the room or whose smile made me warm inside? What kind of marriage would I have if I didn't need to always remind myself to kiss my mate? What if my love wasn't based on his dutifulness but on his mere existence?

I love my husband and I appreciate what we have. He is a good man, provider and father. Still I wonder. I know the minutiae of everyday life can make anything lose its luster. Still I wonder. I know I made a good, practical decision for a mate -- especially considering how few women get married to great men. Still I wonder.

Mostly, I wonder about how to balance feeling happy possessing something that doesn't feel as right as it looks. Should I have waited for a soul mate instead of moving forward with a wonderful life partner?

*name changed

Share your thoughts. Is it better to wait for "the one" or to move on with "the best one"?3

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Would You Rather: Run Into His Ex or Yours?

It’s Monday. Siiigh. How about we spice things up with a tricky game of would you rather? Let’s imagine you and your guy are enjoying a lovely evening on the town. Suddenly, you run into an ex. Would you rather the ex in question is one of your former flames or his? A few things to think about… 

His Ex: You’re looking hot and she’s not. 

Your Ex: You’ve moved on and sometimes gloating can be fun.

So let’s hear it, dolls? Which of these uncomfortable situations is the lesser of two evils? And have you and your guy ever run into an ex by surprise? A few years back, Chris and I ran into one of my exes on election night—at the polls!

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Cirque du Marry Me: A Wedding Proposal You Can't Miss

If you haven't seen this, you've got to check out what Jezebel calls the most elaborately choreographed wedding proposal ever. It definitely tops Tom Cruise's couch mosh on Oprah. The only thing missing here is the flying trapeze. 

  

Would this be the best day of your life? Or the worst? It depends on whether you can stomach the Shake It song (which I can't, though I wonder if it's a clever reference to the Shake Shack—best burgers this side of the Mississippi—right off-camera, there in Madison Square Park.) 

It also depends on how comfortable you are having, oh, millions of YouTubers glued to your most intimate moment, not to mention, how many more bloggers around the world snarking away at how he popped the question. 

Well, actually, intimate it's not. But does that matter?

Personally, I think it's sad that a man getting down on bended knee and professing one of the most profound commitments he'll ever make, is so ho-hum that we have to keep inventing ways to outdo it. And I find the circus theme a little unsettling—because with all freakish cheating scandals lately (visions of rampant tattoos and super-sized boobs), marriage is becoming more and more like three-ring entertainment.

Also, I have the feeling that this groom-to-be might be more in love with the camera than with her. I asked Dan Ariely, PhD, a Duke decision scientist whose new book, The Upside of Irrationality, just hit the shelves, to watch the video. Is this crazy? "It's really not intimate," he agrees with me. "It's partially for him and her, and partially for the public."

"On a larger scale," he says, "it's interesting. As we record everything around us, we're inevitably undermining how we experience the moment. It's like when you continuously tweet, you can only pay partial attention to what's actually happening right then, because you're thinking about how to broadcast it. He could have done that whole proposal without taping it."

I do admit though, I enjoyed watching. If a man's going to publicly ask for your hand, this is the way to go. Our guy here put a lot of effort into it, and he's got some great touches—like his "I love you" T-shirt, flanked by the boys'  "He loves you" sartorial chorus. It's touching, too, the way at one point, he comes over to her, kneels down, and whispers conspiratorially in her ear.

"I watched her body language and it's pretty positive," says Andrea Syrtash after I sent her the link. Syrtash, has interviewed thousands of daters and also has a new book out, He's Just Not Your Type (And that's a good thing.)  "The girl is laughing and smiling," she says. "This guy went to circus school and he's a filmographer, so I'm sure she's known him to perform this way. And that probably attracts her to him. You'd be able to see if it was making her uncomfortable."

In fact, you want to see "uncomfortable," check out this live TV proposal gone wrong on "The Almost Late Show"in Chicago.

    . 

Fortunately for our circus proposer, the gal says yes, and Syrtash thinks they're off to a great start. They can always break up on a reality TV, right? But skepticism aside, you know what really cinches it? After they leave, he runs back to get her bag.  

Meanwhile, I'm waiting for the day when it's the woman who makes a marriage proposal goes viral. 

What about you? 

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6 Things Guaranteed To Turn Women Off

Most of the time, our content here at YourTango is about moving things in the right direction, and celebrating the positive. This time around, I'd like to focus on the negative. Perhaps you can use this as a cautionary tale.

In the world of picking up and bedding lots of luscious ladies, a technique called peacocking is often employed. In much the same way that a male peacock uses his colorful (some say engorged) plumage to attract a mate, a young fellow can wear an article of clothing in order to attract the eyeballs and interest of a young lady. Unfortunately, most of the time, such attempts at attraction somehow reverse polarity and land a guy firmly on a team I like to call The Unf*ckables. Which attempts at eye-catching plumage should you avoid?Read: Are You Seduced By Inner Game?

1) Absurd facial hair. A goofy 'stache is a sure way to get turned down if you're extending an invitation for a mustache ride. See these gentlemen below. 

2) Lame t-shirts. I get it. Your face is manly and your crank is legendary because of its size and utility. That thwack we hear is the nation's underwear hitting the floor. But a trucker hat emblazoned with "Amateur Gynecologist" probably won't give you much of a chance to show off your bedside manner. Let Bruce McCulloch explain. 

3) Eating lots and lots. In college, I once ate seven 8-ounce cuts of prime rib on a gentleman's wager. My body was radiating red meat heat for days. Being able to slam 100 wings in one sitting is impressive, but also a lady force field; something about sweating Buffalo sauce is just gross. Watch these bros and try NOT to get turned on.

4) Overdoing the innuendo. Everyone who's not a prude likes a good sex joke here and there. Plus, a little bit of sexually-charged repartee can build a dynamite bridge from flirting to full-on carnal knowledge. But if your game would make Spinal Tap blush, dial it back a micron or twain. Enjoy watching Steve Carell dance around the line.

5) Age-inappropriate hairdonts. If you have a Justin Bieber and you're 36, that's not reasonable. It works in the other direction, too. If you're 22 and you have a 55-year-old man's receding hairline, or MPB, you may have to rethink your 'do. Enjoy the following age-inappropriate haircut, WITH the special bonus of using bronzer (not safe for the workplace). 

6) Showing off skillz. Napoleon Dynamite says that women like dudes with skills, and I'm not arguing the veracity of that statement, but using certain skills does not a proper pickup make. Bar ninjitsu, parking lot parkour and bad magic tricks have too high a probability of going wrong. For example. 

Obviously, some nice-looking and possibly worthwhile ladies go for all of the above, which necessitates sites like HotChicksWithD-bags (please notice the number of mixed martial arts-related t-shirts). But still. Read: What Words Are Off Limits These Days?

Hit us up with other can't-miss ways to scare the ladies away, so people can do the opposite.

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Don’t Let Yourself Go! 10 Tips to Healing Healthy After a Breakup

“He's really let himself go.” Ever heard (or said) that about someone you know after their heart has been broken? No one wants to be that guy or girl, but when something as emotionally traumatic as heartbreak happens, we instinctively turn to some of the worst habits for our bodies. Eating unhealthy foods, couch-potato-ing all day, drinking too much, and staying out all hours of the night may put an emotional band-aid on the hurt, but ultimately we feel terrible, we look awful, and we have regrets about our behavior. And the last thing we want is to be that person people are whispering about at social events.   

Instead of turning to the standard go-to vices after the emotional setback of heartbreak, follow these 10 tips to heal the right way, bounce back, and move forward:   

1. Delete your ex’s information. All the technology at our fingertips is great for the relationships we want to keep, but not so great for those we don’t. The late-night text messages or stalking on facebook is so easy to do, but it doesn’t help the healing process. Delete your ex’s information to reduce temptation. If you’ve got to get something off your chest, you can send a confidential email to the MyEx Mailbox, and say what you want, without consequences.
2. Release your emotions. If you need to cry, cry. If you want to talk, talk. It’s part of the healing process. Whether you want to confide in family and friends, a therapist, or others who are going through the same thing, it’s important to just get your feelings out. A journal can be helpful too; it’s a great way to purge your feelings without having to worry about making sense. 
3. Get physical. Post-breakup or divorce, we all have some anger. Don’t take that anger out the wrong way – screaming at your ex, taking it out on an innocent friend or family member, or most importantly, channeling that anger back at yourself. Instead, sweat out your anger and stress – kickboxing, running, and zumba are all great ways to clear your mind.
4. Turn up the volume. Music is a great way to channel emotions. Whether you’re feeling depressed, pissed off, hopeful, or empowered, there’s a tune out there that you’ll connect with. The same goes with movies.Check out these recommendations.
5. Be zen. Instead of allowing yourself to think those “crazy” thoughts - “I’ll never find someone” or “I’m not good enough for anybody.” - try yoga or mediation to help stay focused on the positive energy in your life.These practices really do help remove toxic thoughts and get you to a better place mentally – not to mention, physically.
6. Get a massage. If you’re carrying the stress of your breakup in your shoulder and back muscles, getting a massage may help release some of that physical and emotional tension. It’s also nice to give yourself a treat – after all, you’ve been through a lot – you deserve it. 
7. Keep busy. The more time you have on your hands, the more likely you are to dwell on the past. Call your friends up to make plans – have dinner, go to the movies, or enjoy a concert. And remember, as tempting as it may be, avoid boozing and staying up all night during this vulnerable period.
8. Take baths. Soaking up in the tub can help your body detox, relax and soothe your soul. Splurge on some bubble bath, bath salts, or aromatherapy oils to help make it feel more spa-like.
9. Enjoy your hobbies. Often times when we’re in a relationship, we stop doing the things we once loved to do. Whether it’s because of time or the ex didn’t enjoy the same thing, now’s the time to focus on what you love – your attitude and mental health will improve.
10. Love yourself. Remind yourself of your greatest assets – what makes you fun, interesting, and worthy. When you love yourself first, others will love you for who you really are, which is what’s really important.

BounceBack is changing the way people cope with heartbreak as a result of a breakup or divorce. BounceBack is a place to tell your story, get advice from experts, and share what you've learned with others in similar situations. We're here to remove the negative stigma around being heartbroken - this happens to everyone. And we believe everyone has the potential to bounce back to life and move 

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